Diary and Notes of a Pssd Off Potions Master
by Spawn of Sarcasm
Summary: McGonagal now insufferable after potter brat vomited up the snitch this morning. It was sheer luck that they won. Can only hope that next time luck is on my side and the snitch will fly up the other end."
1. Default Chapter

**Diary Entry: Prof. S. Snape **__

McGonagal now insufferable after potter brat vomited up the snitch this morning. It was sheer luck that they won. Can only hope that next time luck is on my side and the snitch will fly up the other end. Slowly. 

**Slightly later on...**

McGonagal now refusing to talk to me after my wand accidentally summoned four rather large rabid dogs while she was prowling the grounds in her animagus form this evening. Cannot possibly see how she blames me for the unfortunate incident – could have happened to anyone. Perhaps I should drop by the hospital wing and offer my commiserations. 

**Next day:**

Cannot possibly see how McGonagal objected so deeply to her encounter with the dogs, as her current mood seems to indicate that they're one of a kind.

Being the gentlewizard that I am I decided that it would only be mannerly to go and visit an injured colleague as well respected as dear Prof. McGonagal. Suffice to say she didn't think so, and proceeded to give a long oration on exactly what she did think.

Of everything in general, me in specific.

 After courteously allowing her to insult my family, heritage, manhood and suchlike without being hexed into oblivion I decided to treat her to a bit of my own mind and was promptly told, in no uncertain terms to get out by Madam Pomfrey. I decided I'd rather stay and told her so. Very politely. In fact, almost as politely as she asked me to leave. That was of course until Hooch arrived, I could outdo the three of them with magic any day, however the thought of being manhandled out of the hospital wing by Hooch was not an appealing one.  Sneered nastily and left as rapidly as my menacing demeanour would allow. 

Damn them.

Damn them all.

**That Evening...**

Arrgh!__

Longbottom well on his way to holding school record for number of cauldrons destroyed in a single school term. Surpassed even his own spectacular blundering this morning when he managed to not only blow up his own cauldron but also started a chain reaction around the entire class. 

Spectacularly the idiot managed to blow up a sleeping draught, which is utterly impossible as all the ingredients are completely neutral, which rather ironically makes the blundering little dunderhead the greatest potions genius that's ever lived. 

Think I'll go drown myself in residual knee-deep sludge covering the dungeon floor.

Alternatively could spend time thinking on what horrible and vicious way to punish Longbottom, after he's finished licking up the thick, green, fetid goup that now covers my classroom and I've docked Gryffindor so many points they'll be lucky to get out of the negative before the end of term feast. 

**Next Day:**

Damn. Dumbledore seemed to have an objection to Longbottom swallowing the mess he made of my beloved dungeons and had the blasted house elves clear it up.

 Dinner today was somewhat of a surprise, what can only be described as thick, green, fetid goup that was trying to be passed off as pea soup. Suffice to say didn't go near the stuff.  Gryffindor students, naturally not as intelligent. Took as much relish in watching Longbottom shovel the stuff down his throat as he did in doing so. 

Feeling immensely gratified.

**Slightly Later On...**

Been ordered to brew 10 cauldrons worth of stomach ease for the hospital ward. Damn Longbottom!

End Diary 

**Notes:...**

Dear Severus,

I just writing to inform you that you are an absolute bastard.

Regards,

Minerva.

Dear Minerva,

Kindly take Potter's nimbus 2000 and shove it where the sun doesn't shine. Once of course you've removed the elm tree that's been growing there for the past 70 years.

Regards,

Severus.

Dear Severus,

Does Malfoy's father come to school to fix his hair that way every day or is it another rampant genetic disease that affects all Malfoy's at that age?

All down to inbreeding no doubt.

Regards,

Minerva.

Dear Minerva,

At least my students have heard of hair care. Potter seems too thick to discover one end of a hairbrush from the other as he's apparently been using the reverse side for the past 12 years. Like father, like son.

All down to inbreeding no doubt.

Regards, 

Severus.

Dear Severus,

Your students may have discovered hair care you however still seem to have a long way to go.

Love,

Minerva.

Dear Minerva,

This coming from a woman who's hair hasn't been cut for the past 7 years.

And I'll have you know my hair is silky dammit!

Severus.

Dear Severus,

I do not think an adequate reply can be delivered by letter I shall however try.

sniggers hahahahahaha!

Regards, Minerva.

Dear Minerva,

Simply writing to inform you that you are an absolute cow.

Regards, 

Severus.

Dear Severus.

Spectacular Quidditch performance today from the Slytherin team.

Regards, Minerva.

Minerva.

Oh, go write a poem about it!

Severus.

Dear Severus.

What's bothering you?

In concern, Minerva.

Minerva

Idiot groundskeeper.

You think getting chucked out for keeping a monster in the castle would teach him a lesson but noooo....

Severus.

Dear, Severus

Something tells me you're not in a good mood.

Minerva

Dear, Minerva

Oh, bravo Trelawney. Where have you been since...a very long time!

Severus

Dear Severus,

Simply loved your tango with Trelawney last night. Pity it was simply the teachers gathering, I'm sure the students would have loved to have seen the two of you.

Come to think of it where did you two disappear to afterwards?

Regards, Minerva.

Dear Minerva,

Choose your actions carefully today, as they may be your last.

Regards Severus

Dear Severus,

You have as yet neglected to tell me where you slithered off to with Trelawney so suddenly. (Not that your disappearance caused me concern, a small party was held at the teachers table. Flitwick must learn to be more careful with his wand whilst 'tipsy,' Dumbledore is still charming his beard back on.)

Regards, Minerva.

Dear Minerva,

Nothing happened. Bloody Albus-no-beard-Dubledore did NOT force me to escort her to her rooms 'for a laugh'. She did NOT try to drunkenly launch herself at me. I did not leave her inebriated, sprawled, mumbling on the floor. NOT. I didn't.

Regards, Severus.

Dear Severus.

Bastard...though rather amusing bastard I must admitt.

Minerva.

Dear Minerva,

Thank-you kindly. I hate that bug eyed, twerp! 

And what do you mean Tango? As if I'd Tango with that! 

For your kind information that was meant to be a waltz.

Severus.

Dear Severus.

sniggers A waltz? Ah, I see...and pray tell with your aversion to Trelawney why exactly were you dancing with her anyway?

Regards, Minerva.

Dear Minerva,

Let's just say that Albus partial beard Dumbledore has his ways...I think he may have been slightly put out at my attempt to...ahem...I mean that slight little accident where my wand by it's own violation accidentally tried to cast Avada Kedavra on her the other day...

Severus.

Dear Severus,

That's the first time you've tried to curse her? I have to admit I thought you'd have done it a bit sooner.

Minerva.

Dear Minerva.

It was my wand, I had nothing to do with it...

And I'll have you know that I deny all involvement in attempting to or succeeding in  cursing that wench repeatedly. 

Severus.

Dear Severus,

Thought so.

Minerva


	2. Bearded Lady

Saturday Morning  
  
Damn them! Damn them all! I'm going to cut out they're little puny hearts with chopstick! And then feed them arsenic and liquid crucio then jump on it! Jump, jump, jump, jump on it! Again and Again! Hahhahaha! Ahem.  
  
I'm bored. Think I'll go curse Trelawny. Or maybe longbottom.hmm.  
  
Later  
  
Damn it. Why does he always appear at the most inappropriate moments! Anytime I'm about to expel Harry Potter or another one of his little midget sycophants, who walks round the corner!? I'd swear he's putting Imperio on them half the time to make them do it then stop me from expelling them just as I'm about to if I didn't know better.wait a minute I don't know better! Damn Dumbledore.  
  
Later.  
  
Wasn't bored. Didn't release a vampire in the dungeons. Didn't see Potter and his fan club helplessly stranded beneath a large pile of rubble. In fact, there wasn't even a pile of rubble there. Actually I wouldn't know because I didn't see it, because I wasn't there. Good, glad we're clear on that.  
  
...  
  
Just heard apparently Potter and his friends are stranded under a large pile of rubble with a vampire running around the place. Terrible! I must run and save them, away!  
  
Later.  
  
Brats still alive. Vampire dead. Rubble still blocking 4th corridor on the right in the dungeons.  
  
Unfortunatley.I mean thankfully that br..I mean sweet child is still alive and well. As are his syco..friends. Thank the heavens, I don't know what I would have done if they had been injured. I would have been so hurt it would have been such a terrible loss to the wizarding world! Thank heavens that Albus Arseing-Ridiculous-Time Keeping Dumbledore arrived in time. Thank bloody God.  
  
Sunday.  
  
Was temporarily in good spirits this morning when I heard that someone else had predicted Potter's "untimely" terribly horrible, gruesomely disfiguring, long and protracted, incredibly drawn out excruciatingly painful, gut wrenchingly awful, utterly repulsive, satanic, messy, and all round very nasty death. Then I found out said person was Trelawny. Damn it!  
  
Docked 57 points from Gryffindor, 34 from hufflepuff, 18 from Ravenclaw and added 129 to Slytherin. Scared 4 Gryffindor first years to tears. Convinced Peeves to pour "Master Stickies All Purpose Never Release Extra Strong Glue" all over the Gryffindor teams locker room, and equipment stores. Petrified Trelwany and nearly expelled Potter twice. All in all a rather successful day I think.  
  


**  
You absolute bastard, how could you! The poor woman is utterly traumatised!**  
  
_Oh come now Minerva, I only.emphasised what was already there, I'm surprised it's that noticeable._  
  
**She has a four-foot long beard Severus! And I don't know how you did it but we can't get rid of it, every one agrees this was a terrible thing for you to have done. Albus is working on removing it; it won't be there long.**  
  
_You know fine well they only agreed with you so you wouldn't lecture them, didn't you notice the echoing sniggers that followed when you left, and we both know the only reason Albus is helping is because he doesn't want anyone to have a beard larger than he has. Biggest beard, biggest cup, biggest chair, talk about inadequacies.  
_  
**Will you be serious for once! Get over here and remove this curse.**  
  
_Can't I'm afraid. I'm terribly busy besides I wouldn't anyway. And I'll have you know I'm an intensely serious person._  
  
**Listen to me you, slimy, snivelling little weasel get over here and remove this curse at once!  
**  
_I'm going to bed, I was having a good day before you came along you know that. I think I'll go get a good nights rest….maybe I'll go offer Trelawny a cutthroat razor first._  
  
**Severus!**


End file.
